Four Easy Steps to an Unsuccessful Blog

I don’t do everything well. But enough about that. Let’s focus here on my skills. One thing that I’ve done very well recently is kill the readership on my blog. It required a lot of effort and hard work on my part, and now that I have the tools in hand, I thought I’d share my wisdom with all of the people that aren’t reading my blog, which is everyone. If you follow these four easy steps, I truly believe that you can have an unsuccessful, unread blog as well. Godspeed.

You might think that a key ingredient in unsuccessful blogging is to have shoddy writing. Well, that’s just simply not true. It might help, but there’s a lot of unpolished writing out there that gets quite a bit of attention. No no, writing style alone will not plummet your page view stats. The first thing you might consider is what I did:

Step 1. Post very infrequently. I did this gradually with only a couple posts in a year’s time, and then I let an entire year pass with no posts. Of course, at first I was still updating my masthead regularly. What was I thinking? That could attract people to the site! Thus the second step in squelching a blog was born.

Step 2. Do not update your masthead or any feature of the blog. This was very effective in dropping site visits. Unfortunately, after the couple-year hiatus of little to no blog activity, I was ready to start writing again. How was I to balance the conundrum of wanting to blog with not having a successful blog? Easy.

Step 3. Don’t tell anyone that you have started writing on the blog again. Don’t put your posts on Facebook. Don’t Twitter them. Don’t tell friends about them. Mum’s the word. However, this step is not full proof, so we cannot stop here. Inevitably it will leak to a friend or two that you wrote something relating to a conversation you’ve had with them. You also have the problem of random search engine searches that land on your site. In my case, I can’t help but get hits on praying mantises and gallbladders. My blog serves as a leading source on both topics (if leading source means that I posted a couple of anecdotes about a praying mantis and my gallbladder). So there’s only one surefire way to handle friend leaks and random searches elevating your stats into the single digits.

Step 4. Have your site blocked for containing malware. You know that page you can come across online that says “Report of a possible attack!” where at first you freak out that you were attacked and your whole electronic life is going to crumble before your eyes and maybe the attack will even crawl out of the computer and give you an actual disease, but then you realize that it is actually just the internet cops saving you from such destruction with a warning page, and you’re allowed to proceed anyway, but that destruction will most definitely occur if you proceed onto the site of possible attack? Are you familiar with that message? I am! My blog had that message associated with it for two months. Expecting someone to proceed onto a site with possible malware is like asking someone to drink a cup of germs. No one is going to take that risk. I couldn’t even access my own posts, let alone have anyone else access them.

There you have it. My summit to the pinnacle of unsuccessful blogging.

Now that I have mastered the unsuccessful blogging arena, I think I’ll try my hand at having a blog that a handful of people may visit from time to time. I want to have the best mediocre blog out there. Here goes…